I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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