the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
