He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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