Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
