I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Your cock deserves a montage
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
