P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
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The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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