brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
