Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
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Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
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You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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