Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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