All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
