I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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