Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
