So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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