life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
