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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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