you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
