he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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