In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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