I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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