Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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