K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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