Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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