i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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