I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
