y did u give ur computer a hand job?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
