My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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