Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
