Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
