Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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