New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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