He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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