I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
