New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
