even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
