My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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