I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
