Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
