On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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