Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
