Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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