my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
True strength comes from lack of pants
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