I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
