She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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