If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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