New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I don't want my vagina anymore.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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