Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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