grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Randomize
