I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
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he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
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So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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