your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
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it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
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I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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