while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
