Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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