New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She's better-looking with the mask on.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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