last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
