Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
you never un-have a 4some
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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