Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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