This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
