I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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