I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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