No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
