I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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