dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
