i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Be still, my beating vagina.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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