she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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