Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
