I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
